September 11th

September 11, 2001 was, without a doubt, the worst day of my life. Not only did I happen to see the first plane hit...then the second...then find out we were under attack; not only did I feel personally attacked; not only did I feel more afraid and helpless than I ever have before or since; but there was a bomb threat that day, at the Federal Building directly across the side street from my daughter’s daycare. I was unable to locate my 4-year-old daughter for 6 hours. When I was finally able to find and pick her up, I found out that the daycare staff had walked the children DOWN THE STREET ACROSS FROM THE POTENTIAL BOMB.

Despite all the fear and emotional pain I experienced that day, I was lucky. I was able to hold my children. I was able to go to sleep that night knowing they were safe and unhurt. I think of all the parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, children, friends, lovers who lost their loved ones that day, and I realize just how truly lucky I am that I was able to hold my children. I have not had to wonder or know that they died instantly. Or that they suffered any amount of pain before dying hours, days, months, or even years afterward. I have been able to watch my children grow up and become who they are.

Although I felt helpless and more fearful because I was not able to go to NY and help, I have not had to suffer the aftermath of those first responders who gave their own lives. Who did everything they could, but felt they could/should have done more, helped more, maybe saved just one more person. Those responders who were forever shattered by the events that they were working at. There is nothing I or anyone else can say that would not minimize the magnitude of mental/emotional trauma these police officers, firefighters, EMS personnel, and other responders have gone through.

I am truly lucky that, although I felt attacked, although I felt fear and helplessness and was forever affected by that day, I was able to be at home with my children that night. I wish with all my heart that I had been in NY so I could have helped, but I am so grateful that I was able to be with my children. I am more grateful than I can say for all of those people who responded to the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and the plane crash; for the bravery of the passengers on United flight 93 that day.