Bullying

Bullying. It’s a hot topic today. It’s also something that’s gone on for many years. Today, bullying is separated into categories; there are childhood bullies, adult bullies, physical and psychological bullying. There’s cyber bullying, covert (hidden) bullying, physical bullying, and verbal bullying.  All of these types of bullying are harmful. If there is one type that is worse than the rest, I would have to say it is covert bullying. I know. Aside from dealing with child abuse, I suffered physical and verbal abuse from kids in my neighborhood; I also endured “covert” bullying at the hands of my classmates during my seventh grade year.

            I started junior high school at Wilbraham and Monson Academy. The kids at WMA quickly realized they could get away with bullying me, and did so quite viciously.  I spent about $500 on text books during the first semester, and spent the rest of the year carrying ALL of my books around with me throughout the day.  When I used my locker, some of the kids would break into it, steal and burn the contents, then put the ashes back into my locker for me to find. 

During art class one day, we were using small tools to burn designs into leather squares.  The teacher had stepped out of the room, and some boys in the class took the opportunity to grab my leather square and burn it so I could no longer work on my design.  I was so upset that I walked out of the room and refused to go back.  The teacher sent me to the Dean of Students, who told me I would have to be punished for my insubordination.  The punishment was for me to spend all day Saturday and Sunday the next weekend sitting in the main hall of the school; I was not allowed to listen to music, read, or do any other activity.  My mother spoke to the Dean of Students; when she pointed out my reason for walking out of class, the Dean threw up his hands and said, “boys will be boys!”

There are many more resources for bullied kids today than there were back in the 1980s. However, just as in days past, bullied kids still react predictably.  WebMD notes that bullied children are likely to be “sensitive, socially withdrawn…, anxious, passive…, and more likely to get depressed” (WebMD, 2005-2016). Some of these kids are acting out aggressively, even fatally. Some children act out by becoming bullies themselves or by shooting other kids at school. Many other children, however, turn inwards. They exhibit the signs listed by WebMD; they attempt suicide. Many children, unfortunately, succeed. Partway through the school year that I spent enduring the bullying I mentioned above, around the middle of January, I attempted suicide. Luckily, my mother caught me in time, and I am able to share my story today. I took some positive lessons away from that experience. Many children, however, are not able to do so.

The question is how can we stop bullying? Historically, kids who bully others were punished. They were told not to act so badly towards others. In his article written for the Science of Us (2016), Jesse Singal notes that peer pressure is more effective in encouraging or stopping bullying than lectures aimed at children are. Social norms in school that are dictated by the most influential children are most effective in determining whether or not bullying will occur, according to the study referenced in Singal’s article. This is certainly a positive step in the research on stopping bullying; however, more research needs to be done to determine how these influential children could be encouraged to create social mores in school that dictate an intolerance of bullying.

Children who have been bullied need to be noticed and given more individualized attention to aid them in building their own defenses against the bullies. If a child is more confident, he or she will be less likely to succumb to the effects of the bullies’ behavior. Therapy, whether provided by the school or by a therapist of the parents’ choosing, is certainly a good step. In conjunction with the therapy, however, the bullied child should be given tasks that will enable him or her to build confidence. These tasks need not (and probably should not) be pointed out to the other children in the school/classroom. If the child is allowed to quietly succeed at the tasks he or she is given, the self-confidence needed to combat the bullies’ messages will come from within. Such self-confidence is infinitely more effective than external, public recognition. Children who are depressed and withdrawn are more likely to dismiss praise and public acknowledgement as “not real” or insincere.

Another step to take in combatting bullying is to make sure that we as adults are not bullying others. Many people use intimidation tactics to get what they want. Some people use their size or willingness to use physical force as a weapon. Others attack and label the behaviors of the person they are bullying as bullying behavior. This, then, is taken as an excuse to use social or legal means to force the bullied person to get what they want.

M., a sixth grade student, reached a point at which she was fed up with being told that she had to “be friends” with a girl in her class who would cycle through specific behaviors: the other girl would act nicely toward M., then start telling other students that M. was bad  or flawed in some way. M. would react by walking away from and ignoring the other girl, who would then tell their teacher that M. was “being mean.” M. would be instructed by the teacher to “be friends” with the girl, and the cycle would begin again. After three or four years of this, M. took to social media on a Friday evening after she had gotten home from school. M. wrote, “*Girl’s name* is a bitch.” Within half an hour, M.’s mother had seen the post and it was deleted, after a discussion with M. about the post and the reason for it. On the following Monday, M. was brought into a meeting with her parents, the school principal, and the police officer assigned to the school. M.’s father, principal, and the police officer proceeded to tell M. that what she had done in making such a statement on social media was bullying, even illegal, and she could be arrested for such behavior. She was then suspended from school for the remainder of the week. Although she does have some emotional problems stemming from this and other incidents, however, M. was allowed to succeed at multiple tasks during her earliest years that, the successes combined with her naturally strong personality to give her the ability to overcome the behaviors of, and even ignore, those who would have bullied her.

The incident involving M. brings to light more covert bullying. The mother of the girl who M. was in conflict with used the school principal to “punish” M. for saying what she did in her post. In addressing only M.’s post, the other girl’s mother positively reinforced her own daughter’s bullying behavior. In only punishing M for her social media post, the school principal and police officer indicated to M. that bullies can get what they want if they act in a specific way, and that those who speak out are the ones who will be punished for their actions. In the meeting with her principal, the police officer, and her parents, M. was sitting with her back against the wall; her father, the police officer, and principal were all standing above and leaning toward her in what can only be described as an intimidating manner. Here again is an example of bullying from adults. Such behavior must be stopped if we are to lead children by our own example.

Researching ways in which we can encourage children to create social mores that restrict or even prevent bullying is an action that must be continued. More research will hopefully result in a reduction in bullying. In addition to such research, though, we adults must lead by example. We need to make sure that our own behaviors are not those of a bully, and we need to stop those adults who continue to use bullying behaviors, including intimidation tactics, themselves.

  

References

Singal, J. (2016, January). The key to stop bullying: Popular kids. Science of Us. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/19/health/popular-kids-can-stop-bullying/index.html

WebMD. (2005-2016). Bullying-Characteristics of children who are bullied. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/bullying-characteristics-of-children-who-are-bullied